When Is The Last Time You Didn’t Fake A Smile?

20151231_102008tWhen is the last time you smile? Or maybe I should ask when is the last time you didn’t fake a smile? I often ask this to myself, trying to find the root of my depression. When did I started isolating myself from people? When did I forbid myself to enter a relationship? When is the last time I had a real talk with a friend? The hardest part of depression is that people who do not have it, will never ever understand your situation. They will never know that behind those smiles are sadness, an emotion that is killing you slowly yet nobody would ever noticed.

The only way to free yourself from such nightmare is to leave all your baggage behind! Never take all the burdens with you because they will constantly haunt you and will pull you down. That’s the advice I often share with people who are having trouble with their lives! It’s very easy to say yet it’s very hard to do. Some people can make it through other cannot and sadly I belong to those poor souls who got tied up with their endless burdens finding it seemingly impossible to recover.

I never had a good childhood (well most of it). There were so many things in my past that I wish I could have changed. I could have saved myself from such misery. I could have made my life better. I just can’t stop asking God why? Why me? Why this? I remember the first time I open up with a priest, hoping that he could enlighten me. Even him doesn’t have the direct answer to my question but he told me that it’s never wrong to ask God why. I may not receive the answer immediately but God will find way to make you realize that everything happens for a reason. The burdens I have are only signs that I am special to Him because God knows my strength and my capabilities and He knows I am strong enough to overcome such challenges.

Am I really that strong? A man who cry every night? Where is that kind of courage I am supposed to have? Fear is all I have right now. I’m afraid that if I let someone in my life, I could also make his or her life worst. I’m afraid that I could never be an ideal friend and I’m afraid that I could hurt their feelings someday. I do not have the courage to face the crowd because I consider myself a big failure. I try to be nice to everyone though because I know that it is the only way I could please them because I’m afraid that I might do or say something that can offend them if I show them my real thoughts.

God helped me a lot in so many ways. The moment I let Him enter my life despite of those horrible things I have done To Him in the past, I started to see how blessed I am. I started to appreciate those little good things that are happening to me, those small blessings that used to arrive unexpectedly. With His guidance, I learned how to forgive others. I was able to take all the hatred away. However, the feeling of sadness and emptiness are still there. How I wish my faith is bigger than everything in my life. I wish I can find ways to give myself enough courage to stay strong despite of the bigger challenges in my life.

I thought everything is going according to my plans but I think God has something else on His mind. The moment I was diagnosed with a lifetime illness, i know that this is going to be another chapter of my life and this time, I am exploring the darkest pages of my book and I have no idea how long they will last. I can tell that my body is slowly giving up and my shaking faith is the only one that keeps me going. I have so many things in mind, I have so many things that I want to do and accomplish in my life but all i can see right now is nothing but uncertainty.

I don’t blame God, why should I? I don’t think my illness is also the reason behind my depression! There is no one to be blamed here other than myself. It’s the fact that I never let myself to experience the real beauty of life. The fact that I chose the miserable life over the happy one. The fact that I never let anyone to enter my life and decided to face these challenges all by myself, the fact that I let myself be drowned in fear. This is the reason why Bluedreamer and I were different. He is more like a superhero to me and I am just his weak alter ego. The kind of confidence I have virtually is the complete opposite of what I can offer from real world.

Sorry for such a very sentimental post. Sorry for making a lengthy post this time and my apology for all the grammatical errors here. I decided to publish it because I thought It would be nice to start my year by sharing out what I really feel. May we all have a very fulfilling year ahead

9 thoughts on “When Is The Last Time You Didn’t Fake A Smile?”

  1. Jonathan says:

    I never had depression until I felt I have it so I searched for all the reasons. When I deal with my young students at 4, I have to see the root cause of why they are behaving like this or like that. Then I even talk to their parents, seek other teachers around the school, and then ask for support from a trained specialist. In your case, look for the causes of your depression and do find ways to help yourself step by step. Talk to other people with the same kind of depression you have since there are a number of different types of depression and learn from them because they as you said, will understand you. If everything else does not work, seek help from a specialist since life is meant to move on. I know why I am depress and I can do something about it so if others can, you can as well. This post already speaks of your courage and I commend you for exposing yourself to us so that we could be help out. I am no trained specialist but feel free to chat with me through messenger if you need so. 🙂

    1. Bluedreamer says:

      Thank you Sir Jo.. mejo nakakagaan sa pakiramdam na nai-share-out ko itong post na to.. salamat po

  2. [SK] says:

    haha this is a good question.. when was the last time I did not fake a smile?? I guess I rarely do so but probably put on a not so genuine smile just to entertain?? haha, anyway, I cannot remember when~~ :p

  3. Jean Soo says:

    Hi there,
    Are you okay? I am worried. I hope you can really leave those baggages behind and move on. You are right! Things happened for a reason.

    “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; “- Proverbs 3:5

    Don’t try to justify what has happened with your own thinking and understanding. It will never works. But accept it and put your trust in Him.

    ” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you…” -Jeremiah 29:11

    “I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4:13

    I will pray for you, dear whatever you are facing now. Be strong and happy k! Cheers!! *Hugs*

    1. Bluedreamer says:

      Hi Jean… yes I’m okay and hopefully I can manage to leave those burdens behind… thank you for the concern.. I really appreciate that ^_^

  4. Twilight Man says:

    Gosh! What happened to you my friend? I thought you have been a happy guy visiting all the beautiful churches. Be strong and share your pain here. I am sure many readers can help your faiths and restore your happiness again as you are not alone. Everyone will go through all the pain, sadness and darkest hours as life is just a temporary illusion for everyone to walk this journey. No two persons will share the same fate. Do I look good??? I also had my most horrible days and unspeakable pain besides all the horrendous betrayals by people close to me. All the smiles in my blog photos are fake too!!

    Have a good day boy! Mabuhay!

    1. Bluedreamer says:

      thank you for taking time reading my post TM… I actually refrain myself from posting negative post but I realized it would be better on my end to speak it out.. thanks a lot buddy

  5. mun says:

    You don’t need to apologise for sharing your feelings on your own blog. May 2016 be a fulfilling year for you. Happy New Year!

    1. Bluedreamer says:

      I really hope so my friend.. looking forward for a better year

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