When is the last time you smile? Or maybe I should ask when is the last time you didn’t fake a smile? I often ask this to myself, trying to find the root of my depression. When did I started isolating myself from people? When did I forbid myself to enter a relationship? When is the last time I had a real talk with a friend? The hardest part of depression is that people who do not have it, will never ever understand your situation. They will never know that behind those smiles are sadness, an emotion that is killing you slowly yet nobody would ever noticed.
The only way to free yourself from such nightmare is to leave all your baggage behind! Never take all the burdens with you because they will constantly haunt you and will pull you down. That’s the advice I often share with people who are having trouble with their lives! It’s very easy to say yet it’s very hard to do. Some people can make it through other cannot and sadly I belong to those poor souls who got tied up with their endless burdens finding it seemingly impossible to recover.
I never had a good childhood (well most of it). There were so many things in my past that I wish I could have changed. I could have saved myself from such misery. I could have made my life better. I just can’t stop asking God why? Why me? Why this? I remember the first time I open up with a priest, hoping that he could enlighten me. Even him doesn’t have the direct answer to my question but he told me that it’s never wrong to ask God why. I may not receive the answer immediately but God will find way to make you realize that everything happens for a reason. The burdens I have are only signs that I am special to Him because God knows my strength and my capabilities and He knows I am strong enough to overcome such challenges.
Am I really that strong? A man who cry every night? Where is that kind of courage I am supposed to have? Fear is all I have right now. I’m afraid that if I let someone in my life, I could also make his or her life worst. I’m afraid that I could never be an ideal friend and I’m afraid that I could hurt their feelings someday. I do not have the courage to face the crowd because I consider myself a big failure. I try to be nice to everyone though because I know that it is the only way I could please them because I’m afraid that I might do or say something that can offend them if I show them my real thoughts.
God helped me a lot in so many ways. The moment I let Him enter my life despite of those horrible things I have done To Him in the past, I started to see how blessed I am. I started to appreciate those little good things that are happening to me, those small blessings that used to arrive unexpectedly. With His guidance, I learned how to forgive others. I was able to take all the hatred away. However, the feeling of sadness and emptiness are still there. How I wish my faith is bigger than everything in my life. I wish I can find ways to give myself enough courage to stay strong despite of the bigger challenges in my life.
I thought everything is going according to my plans but I think God has something else on His mind. The moment I was diagnosed with a lifetime illness, i know that this is going to be another chapter of my life and this time, I am exploring the darkest pages of my book and I have no idea how long they will last. I can tell that my body is slowly giving up and my shaking faith is the only one that keeps me going. I have so many things in mind, I have so many things that I want to do and accomplish in my life but all i can see right now is nothing but uncertainty.
I don’t blame God, why should I? I don’t think my illness is also the reason behind my depression! There is no one to be blamed here other than myself. It’s the fact that I never let myself to experience the real beauty of life. The fact that I chose the miserable life over the happy one. The fact that I never let anyone to enter my life and decided to face these challenges all by myself, the fact that I let myself be drowned in fear. This is the reason why Bluedreamer and I were different. He is more like a superhero to me and I am just his weak alter ego. The kind of confidence I have virtually is the complete opposite of what I can offer from real world.
Sorry for such a very sentimental post. Sorry for making a lengthy post this time and my apology for all the grammatical errors here. I decided to publish it because I thought It would be nice to start my year by sharing out what I really feel. May we all have a very fulfilling year ahead