My Father and I

There is a cliche that says, if you love God, you should learn how to Forgive and Forget. I love God more than anyone else but how come I can’t do such thing to forgive my dad. Yes! My dad and I have never been in good terms for like 5 years now. Even though we never had fight verbally and physically, we’re still cold to each other. I never approach him and never dare to talk to him indicatively. I might be the worst son in the world but if you know what kind of life we’ve been through with my dad, you’ll know where these feelings are coming from. My dad is physically disabled for 10 years now or perhaps he chose to be like that for some reason. He got stroke several times and we’re grateful that he managed to survive. Basing him on that condition , I know that I shouldn’t be acting this way. My dad is an alcoholic guy which is also the main reason behind those health issues that he have right now. He was a former seaman who used to spend most of his time aboard. He used to have 3 to 4 months vacation every year. And every time that his with us, we never had that father and son bonding. His superiority is taking over the place in our house and if he wants something from us, he will simply whistle to call our attention. Generally, I never had a great moment with my dad or perhaps I was too blind back then, seeing nothing but his dark side.

I was not like this before. I used to be the one  who apologize indicatively even though it is not my mistake. I got several apologies from him and I used to forgive him without any hesitation. However, the thing is, he keep doing the same thing every after apology as if he never been so sincere to it. Maybe I had enough and I am so afraid that if I will forgive him again, he will do the same thing and the history will repeat itself over and over again.

I respect my dad as much as I respect my mom. I love him and I know for the fact that I owe my life to him. I always include him in my prayers that someday, he show us his willingness to change. I hope someday that he realize how much he ruined our family. I always want to have an ideal family and I hope he feel the same way for us. He never admit his mistakes and instead, throwing some bad words against us and upbraiding us for everything. I always pray to God to use someone as an instrument for him to realize everything. If there’s one thing that keep us apart from him, that would probably his “pride” and I know that same thing goes with me.

I love him, I respect him, and I wish I have the courage to greet him a “Happy Fathers Day” but things are quite complicated right now. I wish I could say sorry and I wish i could tell him everything that I feel for him but it is quite impossible at the moment. “Pa! I’m sorry for making this conflict too far. I’m sorry if I can’t tell this to you directly but I really don’t have the courage to do it at this moment. Happy Father’s Day to you and I just want to let you know that I am so proud to be your son. I could never be here without you

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